In that whole “Crap, I’m not dealing with this readjustment thing very well”, here’s my day.
We’ve been home for a month – OY, has it been that long? – during which I have been blissfully not required to go to work. Jobs in education have a FEW advantages (June, July, August!).
Since our return, I have been the “stay-at-home” one. This is a 180° change from Cairo. There, Jack stayed home and Kaddee went out daily to go to her job. Now, I’m the one at home (temporarily).
I frequently prodded Jack to “get out more”, not to huddle in the flat for days at a time, without any social contact.
Today, HE prodded ME in the same way!
Since we got back, I’ve been avoiding the “real world” of life in the States – sometimes simply by getting TONS of stuff done in the house, sometimes by actively avoiding all contact with the outside world (except via the internet!). The idea of going out into THIS country and THIS culture was becoming as unsettling as Cairo had been in the early days.
It is not that I am unhappy to be “home”, I’m just not sure anymore where “home” is. I grew up with the saying, “Home is where you lay your hat.” Meaning no matter where you go, there you are (Buckaroo Banzai).
Now, I am conflicted. I had a good home in Seattle – a house, friends, routines and preferred haunts, with all the benefits and drawbacks of such a situation. I left that and went to Cairo.
I had a good home in Cairo – a nice flat (rent-free), friends, routines, and preferred haunts, with all the benefits and drawbacks of such a situation. I left that and came back to Seattle.
Do you see some turmoil? Both places have/had their shining moments and their dismal downsides.
Today, knowing that TOMORROW, I have to begin the REAL reintegration – at work – I felt more tumultuous than usual. Anxiety was beginning to creep up when I decided to follow gozi’s advice and forced myself out of the house. And onto the only registered motorcycle in our garage. And around the small surface streets in my neighborhood, along my commute and home again.
Seems pretty minor, but I have not donned gear or helmet in 3 years and I have not gone to campus in the same amount of time. I had boogey men – I rode them away!!!
The bike, incidentally, used to belong to me, so getting back on it was SOOOOO familiar. My brain and body were at odds with each other – brain picking early lines, body wanting to wait for the late apex and the SWISH feeling of the curve.
I laughed, I fretted, I waved at the construction workers.
I began to let go of my apprehensions and anxieties and enjoy the new adventure.